Not feeling worthy…

I started this blog however many years ago so I had a place to write about what I loved and hopefully be able to share it with like minded people. I was just finishing sixth form and awaiting to start university, I was bored over the summer so I thought why not give it a go. I’ve always had a passion for writing and most of my writing never got to see the light of day but with a blog that was possible and I was in control. In the last year I really have put my time, effort and dedication into making it into this blog a place that not only reflects a dose of me but somewhere people can come to and enjoy reading my posts.

I lost my job at the end of last year and whilst job hunting I decided to give regular posting a go which ended up with me taking part in Blogmas. I really rekindled my love blogging by doing so many posts and creating content I would love reading myself. I started following more bloggers on Instagram and Twitter…it kind of snowballed to the place I am now writing this post.

After investing so much time well for me anyway into my blog the last few months you kind of get sucked into this world of blogging that doesn’t at times feel real. Things that don’t or shouldn’t really matter do end up worrying you…I lost 5 followers, that blogger didn’t shout me out, my post didn’t do very well, oh I’ve got to get a photo of this for my blog and Instagram, ahh I’ve got to follow some more people, I’ve got to comment on this post. It consumes you to the point that you’re not thinking about anything else. I think this reached the climax for me this week when I just had enough and to the point that i wasn’t feeling myself. I finally realised that it was time for me to take a step back and not worry if I haven’t gone through Instagram for an hour and not commented or liked some posts. Or that I haven’t posted at a right time or that I’ve posted twice in one day. I finally put my phone down and read a book.

I didn’t plan on writing a post like this for this week but writing seems to be the only effective way of me getting my feelings out at the moment and it somewhat making sense well to me anyway. I hope in someway by me writing this that I get somewhat a sense of clarity within my thoughts but also that someone else could possibly relate to how I’m feeling at the moment.

I wouldn’t be lying when I say that the blogging world is becoming extremely saturated and it has become possible for anyone to start up a blog and get writing. I think there’s both pros and cons to that. Yes anyone has the freedom to start a website for themselves and make it their own little corner of the internet but  it means that there is increasingly becoming more and more people that will possibly be doing something better than you or more successful. It adds this unwanted and unneeded pressure to a world that started off with passion and love for things.

It’s only Tuesday when I’m writing this but I can honestly say that I had a bit of breakdown about my blog this week. I felt like I’d lost my identity and why I was blogging wasn’t clear anymore. I feel like I had hit a road block that wasn’t allowing me to progress how I wanted to. This road block consisted of a few things and ended up with me in tears. Time and effort…it felt that no matter how much time and effort I was putting into my blog it wasn’t paying off and other bloggers were always going to be able to put more into theirs. Money…since losing my job and not having a lot of money I’ve been unable to redesign and have my blog looking/performing to the high quality I want and I just felt mine was looking basic and boring. I design and do everything myself with at times limited knowledge and skills…it felt like this was holding me back but I couldn’t really do much about it. I have spent endless nights lately looking at other blogger accounts and their blogs thinking how amazing they look and how well they are doing.  I was doing the worst thing you could do…comparing myself to others.

This ultimately ended up with me feeling like I wasn’t worthy or good enough anymore. No one was going to want to read my posts if my website looked basic or boring. No one cared about what I had to say. No one wanted to look at my photos on Instagram. No one would end up following me. I’m sure we’ve all dealt with similar thoughts to this. But this has all stemmed from me comparing myself to others and how well they’re doing. I haven’t put the focus on me and realised what I’m doing well and how far I’ve come.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I probably became obsessed with my blog and Instagram. I wanted it to be perfect and was always trying to find ways in order to do so. It was unhealthy though. I would constantly be refreshing Instagram and looking at my blog stats.

It’s funny because the first thing I said to myself is that I don’t feel worthy or good enough but who don’t I feel worthy or good enough to or why? There’s literally no one I need to answer to but myself when it comes to blogging. I feel like I had a put a wall up for myself that was stopping me from doing what I wanted because I felt like I couldn’t. The thing I have to realise is that I can’t be anyone else but myself so I may as well figure out a way to rock being myself and do the best I can.

In hindsight it’s wonderful to be able to look back and realise that people are coming to you and your blog for YOU not anyone else. No one wants to read your blog if it’s the same as Sally’s blog (random name I ended up picking…right?!). Yes Blogging is becoming saturated but the only way to really make a go at it is being yourself and people will come in their thousands (hopefully) to read that.

I’m not sure if any of this post will end up making sense to anyone but me. It’s just been nice to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head and onto the digital version of paper…

To end this brain splat or fart of a blog post, I want to say one last thing…blogging has given everyone the opportunity of freedom to be themselves please don’t waste that on not feeling worthy or good enough because we all are in some way or another. Do you apologetically and you’ll be successful however you want to define success.

I’d just like to say thank you to everyone that does read my blog, comments on my Instagram posts, likes my tweets and supports whatever I do. I was so close to deleting my blog this week but writing this and reading messages has changed my mind. I’ve just got to be true to myself and do what I love. People read my blog for me not anyone else.

What I’m taking from writing this post is that I need to take a step back at times, put my phone down and not be consumed by this whole world. I need to relove blogging again and enjoy it like I used to. It’ll be hard at first but I know it’ll be worth it. I don’t know if you’ll notice as readers or followers as much but I definitely will with my state of mind and happiness.

Thanks so much for stopping by to read my latest blog post. Be sure to come back next week for a brand new post…that will hopefully have a bit more structure.

Until next time,

adoseofapril x

Check me out on my other social platforms…

Twitter

Instagram

Photography Account Instagram

2 thoughts on “Not feeling worthy…”

  1. I can totally relate! It’s so fascinating how life seems to stack like domino’s when one bad thing happens. But I’m glad you are pushing through, you should do what makes you happy at the end of the day.

    Like

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